Me: *bites on leather belt* *pours whisky on the wound* *tears shirt to make bandages* Wife: right kids, we'll just wait for your father to deal with his paper-cut in this totally normal way… Me: I NEED 500ml of O NEG! STAT! Wife: *sigh*

My boss wants an urgent meeting about my professionalism. Quietly confident it's to commend me on my newly expanded vocabulary. 😊

Chatty Colleague™ has just worryingly declared "you have to laugh or kill yourself". English isn't his first language, but he also holds some pretty bold opinions, so it's best not to presume he misspoke.

A few days late, but I see what you did there, Connexions.

When Knobhead Cat rocks up at 4am shouting his head off, I wonder if the other 2 cats also wish he'd stfu.

Obviously they don't with actual cash (eeew, so old and gross) but if you ever need like financial moral support or something Barclays are there for you, provided it's before lunch on a Wednesday or Thursday.

This has strong 'wanker who sets up a yoga retreat next to a pub then complains about the noise' vibes.

This is Buddo. The earliest depiction of a human figure found anywhere in the British Isles. It is made out of whale bone and can be found in the Stromness Museum on Orkney. At 4,900 years old it comes from a time when mammoths still walked the Earth 🦣 . #neolithic#Orkney

I invented (?) the phrase, "gays, theys, and the mentally not-okays" today but it was in a post on my Patreon so I am sharing it here now, for posterity.

Wife: No, I don't want to go to a Star Wars themed sex party. Ew Me: First off it's Star TREK and secondly it's called a Borgy