Reading the news used to be like, "Can you believe the President got his dick sucked in the oval office? Wild! What a world." Now it's all, "Shit, did you see the plan- Holy fuck, someone tried to m- Jesus Christ! I can't belie- ohshitohfuckohshitohfuck."

Oh, the halcyon days, when we were none the wiser and the President was a victim of circumstance and not a predator.