Burnt my hand on a pop tart because my toaster sucks and I have no patience.

Going out with friends and buying matching booty shorts. That's the vibe.

A DJ who just remixes audiobooks.

Was bored so I listened to Bat Out of Hell for the first time. What's the most famous song you've somehow never heard?

Why does Bluesky keep logging me out? Is this happening to anyone else?

Probably not a good sign for Bluesky that nobody I know in real life has heard of Bluesky.

White people love saying shit like "I'm proud to be from Idaho".

Sex with me is an lot like Breath of the Wild; it's a long, elaborate solo adventure and I keep getting hit by lightning.

My Iranian friend got caught in the rain and didn't appreciate me rapping Wet-Ass Parsi.

There is currently a Bathtub Shitter on Celebrity Family Feud.