The plan? Outsource your cashier jobs to India via video feed and tell everyone you’re using advanced RFID tagging onsite at brick-and-mortar shops to sound futuristic (after your ecommerce empire shifted everyone away from brick-and-mortar) when you’re actually regressive

not me clogging my toilet 20 mins before a job interview

if you skeet the word “horny” they will cum

i’m the world’s first legitimate love child

hired a maid for the first time and I just stay in my home office with the door closed while she’s here but I can hear her singing carefree throughout the house. it shouldn’t be possible to be this bricked up

unfollowing that one person is sometimes all you need

it’s ok to log off. i’m not being helpful. this is passive aggression. you should log off

we can all agree it’s okay to punch you

im feeling the holiday spirit i want to get hit by two airplanes today

9/11 isn’t cool, guys. You know what’s cool? A billion 9/11s