It’s the pillow that smiles back.

You turned left, I hope? (For the wine, obviously)

The last thing I need in my life is a fudgey cupcake. Oh, you put a purple and gold UW on them? Don’t mind if I do!

He's not a Nice Guy™️ unless he's from the French town of Nice. Otherwise he's just a sparkling fuckboy.

Curious/disturbed at what kind of cocktail was being made by my hose sitter while I was out of town.

I should run for mayor. Seems pretty easy to do a better job the last 30 or so mayors.

Gonna need a bigger lap

I should call her.

He may have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile, but he also has that BGDE (big green d!ck energy)

Them: You really like Doctor Who? The monsters look so fake and silly!” Me, hitting the TARDIS: Really? Hadn’t noticed!