it’s only hot yoga if i’m doing it

[watching grimace furiously jack off to completion in the shake machine] two grimace shakes please

Liam Neeson’s lease on a Nissan leaf

Don’t break my heart, my saucy bluesky heart

[immediately after someone is nice to me] what the fuck was their problem?

Love giving directions. Love saying shit like “head west t’ward the sunset”

me: i’m going to the bathroom my labrador: excellent idea sir, i’ll join you

well folks that’s all the the posts i have for you hope you’ve enjoyed them my work here is now complete and i’ll be on my way just as soon as they pry this phone from my cold dead fingers

i slowly emerge from your laundry hamper playing careless whisper on the saxophone

thinking about unfollowing me? maybe think about getting a lawyer too