"And GOB realized he'd accidentally worked a day in his life."

This, but for “genuinely believed in conservative values”

Mmm, yes, notoriously emotionally stable man, Donald J Trump.

My immediate follow-up question would be "and what common interest is this social club forming around?" Of course, I wouldn't bother sticking around to hear all 14 words of their response.

“If we pay them less, it encourages them to do free marketing for us, too! Win/win!”

I know this doesn't matter, but I'm a native English speaker and I understood your intent clearly.

"Oh my god, we have to embrace the children... 's future!"

Dammit, Ken. I came here to post a "he couldn't get that down to 14, huh?" joke.