Waiter: Has sir decided? Baby: [closing menu] Just bring me your finest tits

Messaging my wife in 2003: “Thought about you all day, can you get home early?” Messaging my wife in 2023: “Toilet Duck is half price, should I get three bottles or four?”

Sorry, babe, it's over. *I get on my motorcycle but I can't get it to start so I use my feet to scoot away*

Spiders can grow up to 8 feet.

Shaman you for writing this.

Feeling like a heritage act here about to open with a new one and the entire audience starts booing cos they want to hear “not as popey as you’d hopey”.

Hey look, it’s the guy from that tweet.