how i go to bed at night not knowing wtf any of yall are talking about

something unfortunately funny about being a straight man and realizing two women you know had a falling out and never being able to understand exactly why

mood

GUY HAVING A PANTS SHITTING DISASTER: this is NOT a pants shitting disaster, this is about filling up my trousers with as much poop as i accidentally can

Me to myself before I eat something will most definitely hurt me:

If given the chance, I'd love to peel myself like a human orange. My meat suit is too tight

My monthly freakout about hating beaurocracy is coming soon. I love working for a fortune 500 company, I love working for a fortune 500 company. My job isn't just a glorified seat warming position. Stuff I do matters...... yeah that's it!

Hail and well met fellow compatriot. Might I trouble you, perchance, for the directions necessary to report for the AWESOMENESS tryouts? Sorry, cringe isn't in my vocabulary, Kitten

let’s call him a couch fucker

That awkward moment when someone says a racial slur in front of you & tops it off with casual antisemitism, & then realizes you are both of those demographics…

Oy Gevalt Oy Vey GIF

ALT: Oy Gevalt Oy Vey GIF