Them: Look! We got you a weird quirky thing for your birthday!! My well-curated, sorted-by-priority Amazon Wish List: *tumbleweeds*

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ] boss: can you cook nights a dragon: yes

I’m far too stupid to take part in political discourse.

Cracker Barrel should sell loose cigarettes

Celebrities Are Usually Terrible, Charlie Brown (TV-PG, 2024)

it’s an open and shut case and you can also lock it it’s got all the basic features

Elon Musk gets his jokes from popsicle sticks that are almost as old as Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriends

Someone let me know when we’re all done describing things as “giving ___.”

Me: I'm ready for the cavity search. Dentist: We don't call it that.

Why couldn't bedhead be a socially acceptable look back in the nineties when I needed it to?