Just got fired from my job as D.A.R.E presenter for apparently crowd surfing at an elementary school like man I was too high and angry at those kids to remember that
Is that all way too demanding of me to assume or expect after a few months? Did I come off as too intense when opening up & they got scared off? Did I say/do something wrong? All of a sudden I’m back at school in my friend group wondering why they won’t let me in on an inside joke & shut me out.
And when I do think/feel that, I then question if what I had tried to do really had good intentions of trying to get to know someone or was it merely just a pretence to fulfill my inner desire to feel deeply understood and to understand others along with my insecurity around feeling alienated.
-once we’ve gotten out of the relationship and it’s something trivial like that they vape or something like that or they give me a gift with no sentimentality, it makes me think/feel that I’ve done all that opening up & I’ve put in all that effort to try & be intimate and inclusive all for nothing.
This is done over the course of a few months. So when they only ever messaging me once every week & a half where most times it’s barely a conversation about a meme I sent, never being introduced to your friends, if I suspect I only know them on a surface level, find out they’ve hid stuff from me,
Or even just to make an effort to create a space for them to feel safe to open up to me about them and their life and the people that are important to them (this very much includes friends). I have the habit of opening myself up and introducing them into my daily life and my friends etc
I am very much aware that I can’t just get people to open up to me or let me into their life like that on a whim straight away, I’m pretty sure a lot of people can agree with me on that. Recently I’ve noticed I think I do something to compensate for it.
That is probably why I struggle to differentiate platonic attraction and romantic attraction so much. If I like someone, I want to include them in my daily life, my daily routine, to make time for them and get to know them both on a mundane and intimate level. So the vice versa also applies here.
When it comes to romantic partners, I feel like part of my attachment issues come from my desire to be understood on an intimate level. Not just in the sexual sense but also in the sense of remembering details about me that I’ve only ever been able to achieve in a few of my close friendships.