im full aware of what doing so would've entailed- full aware of protocol and expectations in that shit. i still should've done it. maybe i would've gotten answers, or something akin to understanding/clarity for why i'm like this, or how to better cope with disregard and casually inflicted pain

i know it was probably something stupidly mundane. i can't stop thinking about what if- that maybe there actually was something fae about the whole thing. i couldn't make myself open the door, or even knock- im still kicking myself for not indulging that curiosity

ive seen/heard a lot of weird things in my life, but this was the most direct. i was right at the door and could hear everything on the other side, knew there was no fucking reason music like that should be in a restricted room when the music room is literally right down the hall and disused

it had to be three or four people playing in round, and i kept cleaning/"ignored" it to confirm the shit was actually there- and it was when i got to a bathroom down the hall that another person joined the music by singing, again actually physically there. ive never felt a sound freeze me like that

it was medieval court music coming from a presidential office the higherups use when classes are in session- electronically locked. at first i thought it was from a speaker, but i got within 10 feet and heard the physical accentation of the instruments shuffling and rasping, ACTUALLY behind the door

two weeks ago i was doing rounds at work- it's summer, there's nobody here but me and one small family in a dorm. they don't have access to shit, and no other staff are on the clock except me- verified it by clock in data. i clean bathrooms, and at one point in the basement i heard something fucked

i joke about fae a lot but there is a fucking reason i relate to those stories and that entire branch of myth, and it's because at least with faerie i'd never have to guess at intent as literal. i wouldn't be the only one in literal pain due to people who say shit casually and don't mean it

i dont care if i sound insane anymore, it fucking hurts in a viscerally tangible literal way- the isolation and disconnect is like five nails pinned through my joints and i want to cry with how bad it actually hurts to constantly get cut off, forgotten, brushed aside, and treated like a convenience

real...