ME: I need my teeth ANXIETY: Sure but have you considered grinding them into a fine powder while you sleep? Seems equally good

Voted most likely to contract avian flu because I am always trying to pet pigeons

Thank you Governor Walz

I think we're ready for macroplastics

I am never going to "hop on a call." you are going to have to throw a black bag over my head

Getting this Mogwai into a bag of rice asap

it’s always okay to do a little sinning first thing on a tuesday

An alternate universe where children are forced to wear orthopedic shoes and all the books are written by women named Sheila.

When I die I'm going to be creamated so I can be with coffee one last time.

A new superhero called Captain Chlamydia, and trust me, this is an origin story you want to hear.