I devoted many years of my life to becoming fluent in many languages and thought that would BE my life - and then one day this girl I knew said “ach you don’t HAVE to use them” - and I never did again. I never saw her again either though. She was actually a bit of a cow. Is that four yet?

The dog is illiterate Jeremy! How many times. He only sends voicenotes.

Just went to text the dog . How’s your day going?

Yeah and luckily I’m not a single parent paying thousands a month to rent there already and being kicked out. Oh. Har de har.

what shall I wear

Ah, first bit of shade on Bluesky, and from an anon account. It's almost like the old days.

Does anyone have a two or three bedroom flat or smol house to rent or lend to me and my lovely daughter in the Kentish Town, Camden, Highgate or nearish parts of North London? Or do you want us to housesit for a nice length of time? We are so nice! You'd be amazed how nice we are. Sickeningly so.

Tie dying! what could go wrong? I mean I would never dream of organising this but my daughter has adored it at other people's houses

Maybe I shouldn't be talking about work / showy off things on here though, god knows they're boring enough. Sarah Perry is on here talking about how to throw yourself at a door in a way that breaks the lock with your hip and I'm finding that a lot more compelling tbh.

I would never have put this on Twitter. But now we're free! Nobody's mum / boss/ nemesis is on here yet! I don't even need a punchline wooooooo