me: *pulls into gas station* google maps: and just what in the fuck do u think ur doing
I will never understand US time zones "It's 5.30 pst" ok, but why are we whispering?
[Last day as cocktail barman] ME: This time I'm gonna mix it up a little MANAGER: You should have been doing that every time
ME: *giggles* I wouldn't say I have a 'type'... SURGEON: Sir, you're losing a lot of blood
[joins a conga line] me: I can leave any time I like [someone joins behind] me: oh no
Logging out of Twitter and logging into Bluesky feels a lot like faking your own death and starting a new life as a mysterious but respected bartender in a quiet coastal New England town
the best part of sitting in the exit row is when the flight attendant comes by to make you swear not to die a coward
do you know how much you have to suck to literally be shooting rockets into space and still be uncool? and yet we have so many rich guys pulling it off. inspiring
grampa: why are u always on ur phone me: why didn't u stop hitler