Michael Jackson was right... shit really is a thriller

The way the world is... reincarnation sounds like a threat

That time of the year

I hate when I trip and fall and accidentally eat a whole rack of ribs

The only messages I get are basically from restaurants telling me to bring my fat ass over there

👀🔥🔥

I really like my health coach She literally asked, "Is his face the thigh gap you're after?"

If Mandy is short for Amanda then Brandy is short for Abranda

petition to remake every family sitcom into a Dateline documentary

If you all knew how sad I really was, you'd appreciate my little jokes more.