I haven’t thought to myself since I was a teenager that I wish I wasn’t alive. Is that fucking normal? Why do I feel like this everyday? I’m losing my mind when all I have to do is try. Try to be someone I never have been. Try to be a better person. It’s idk. I don’t know. I don’t know. Aghhhhhhhhhh

I wish I was ok living a meager life. Working a shit job and still be happy. Most people are just ok I reckon. what a sad state it is to be human. I think I still have the wrong perspective on personhood, what it means to be happy as a person. I don’t think a single day of my life in all these years

That was never my dream. I never had one of my own I don’t think. I wanted to go to space. I wanted to rap. I wanted to make music. I wanted to write and never had the courage to pursue any of it. I never wanted school and wasn’t told it was ok to not go. More wasted time. I wish I was ok being

Everyone deserves their time being respected. Though this could all be in my head too idk. Aghhh. I’m sick to my stomach. I’m a fraud of a person. All I’ve ever had to give was love. In a world like this that ain’t enough. I wish I was on that beach. Then again that could be another idea planted tha

Maybe I don’t see her that way. Maybe I just desperately wanted anything from anyone and it’s easier to choose someone long distance to fulfill that need for me. I know I really like her. I just don’t think I can keep up with her at the level she truly deserves from a partner. Even if she’s poly

The short time we’ve committed to each other. It matters! It always will. I’m thankful she chose to engage with me even the small bit she has. As I am now I couldn’t reciprocate any meaningful effort if I wanted. I do want to for sure. I just can’t. I don’t think she sees me in the way I see her.

I want to live. I really do. I’m just afraid. No matter what happens I have to leave this room. It’s scary and I don’t know what’ll happen. Winter has helped me more than she’s realized. Her writing is beautiful. I don’t think things will work out but I do love and appreciate the short time. We’ve

Any of this anymore. I’m not worth anyone’s time. I don’t bring value to anyone’s life. I’m a leech on society. I’m a leech to the people I care about. None of this venting will change a single thing tomorrow, though I wish it could. But things will be the same. I will feel the same.

I wasted years being a consumer rather than a creator. Starting over from nothing is too daunting and scary for someone like me with no real life experiences. I hardly engage with people. It’s so late to start over I feel. I’m almost 30. I have 0 prospects and kind of just don’t want to think about

I hate performative engagement. I love sounds. I love the feeling of love. I love that honeymoon period when you first get into a relationship. I love delicious food. I want to write compelling stories though I have not the talent. I wasted years of my life on porn addiction. Silently battling it