"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." Stephen Wright

Aioli is just mayonnaise that studied abroad.

They say Stage 0 is the best cancer to get but they still want to cut it out of you

"What if codependency could eat your shoes?" -God, creating dogs

Rutherford B Hayes: an example of what the presidency will do to a person, taking him from hottest POTUS to . . . whatever happened there.

On a cruise with a cool couple. He's ex NYPD Organized Crimes unit, and she literally can't tell us what her job was because it was so classified.

Fourteen years later, I have to tell you the truth: I stand by this.

Doctor: I'm sorry, there's no known cure. Me: Not eve- Doctor: -Not even cowbell.

They can make a seedless watermelon but not a poop less cat

I got a Christmas card from a couple with two different last names, and my first thought when I saw an envelope from Forte and Hanshaw* I thought "Oh crap, I'm getting sued." *Names changed, but it was very lawyerly