when someone tags someone into my replies i always want to tag someone else in too. so i'm not outnumbered

You (dumb, hasn’t seen Fight Club): If I buy things I’ll be happy Me (smart, has seen Fight Club): I’m going to punch someone in a basement

My posts are but a mirror. If you see good posts then you have joy in your heart, and if you see bad posts then you carry misery with you. If you wish for my posts to improve, you must first improve yourself

In 2004, Jeeves of AskJeeves fame was a Macy's parade float, a feat that Google was never able to replicate

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room ME: he’s my new friend CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off* ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

*8 seconds after I post anything* Wait was that my social security number

C'mon man, the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it

You robbed a bank. Who’s driving the getaway car?

Am I going to die without ever having really known human kindness or at least how magnets work?

Oooh, I like words! I hear that "fortnight" is popular right now?